ELCSACOD Lutheran Church in Southern Africa

Freedom Through Christ

Christian Humour Page

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'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'   When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.  'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'  

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy" (Psalm 126:2).


"He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast" (Proverbs 15:15).


Christian Humour


Cat and Mouse:  A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?' The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates. The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'


A Special Hymn:  A Pastor was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The choir leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Laudate 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


Jesus died between two thieves:  An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."


Moses and Bush:  One day, two planes land at an airport. President George W. Bush gets out of one. A man wearing a white robe gets out of the other and starts walking away. The Pesident catches up to him, and says, "Excuse me sir. Are you Moses?" the man keeps walking. The president follows him. "Excuse me sir. Are you Moses. The man keeps on walking. The president runs ahead of the man and stops him, repeating himself once more. "Excuse me sir. Are you Moses. finally, the man stopped and replied, "Yes, but the last time i talked to a bush i ended up wandering the desert for 40 years."


Which sermon to deliver?:    One beautiful Sunday morning, Pastor Joe announced to his Congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands, three sermons...a R1,000.00 sermon that lasts 5 minutes, a R500,00 sermon that lasts 15 minutes, and a R10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."


Christian Home:  After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"


How Many Wives:  A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"  "Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.  "How do you know that?"  "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer … that gives you 16."


The Bishop and a Game of Golf:  The Bishop – not Bishop Bowles – wakes up on a Sunday morning and is definitely not in the mood of conducting the Sunday Service.  So he asks the Vicar who only is too willing to help out.  Shortly after 10 o’clock, when all were in church, the Bishop takes his car and drives off to the golf course.

Peter, who has observed all this, says to God: "You won’t let him get away with it, will you?"  “Well, of course not”, the Lord replied.  So the Bishop is standing at a par-5 hole.  He hits the ball, and the ball just flies and flies and flies – right into the hole on the green.  With one single shot!  Peter complained to the Lord: "What is this now?  Do you call this to be a punishment for him?”  "Well," God replied with a smile, "who do you think he can possibly share this with?"


New Pastor in Town:  A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.  All went well until he came to one house.  It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.  Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.  The next day, when the offerings were counted, he found his card in the collection plate.  Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any one hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."


Enough Money: There is the story of a minister who got up one Sunday and announced to his Congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building project.  The bad news is it's still out there in your pockets."

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